Existence at its Fullest- sort of anyways. =/

So... Recently (about 3 or 4 days ago)
I almost fell over because i realized i was existent.
no laughing, im serious!
I felt like i was in a video game, but i realized that everyone was the same as i was, we all cannot see ourselves but we can all see eachother, like in a HALO video game.
And then i kept thinking while almost falling over, and like, God totally spoke to me. which was strange, (it was not audible of course- but still)
It was strange, because it was sort of a blunt and quick answer to prayer. i've been having real struggles with faith lately, and this totally turned my mind around. Then i saw the shroud of Turrin and everything totally fell into place.
i cannot put into words (at least not adequately enough for anyone else to understand. xP) how i feel right now, and how i felt last night, but its like i can finally feel him. like, for real. every other time always felt so fake to me, like i just wanted it so bad that it was never real. i just made it real because it was what i wanted.
just like every time i've ever had an imaginary friend, i wanted a friend so i made one.
not a smart idea. xP you might wind up in an Asylum, or in Hong Kong. you never know, but whatever. xP
anyways, its just cool cause now im not scared of like anything cause i dont really care about life anymore, i could die right now and i wouldnt care cause i know i'd be going to this awesome place where i cant get hurt anymore, where no one thinks im worthless or stupid or ugly. where i dont feel like i need to hurt myself anymore,
geez. im surprised that most teen suicides dont come from Christian families. xP just kidding.
its totally cool, y'all.

oh, and on a side note, Grace, tho you never called me, Josh was, is and has been online for a while, so thank you for having me wake up early again.
i love you, sweetheart.