Dying on the inside

im getting a little more personal
because i will not be on, i've written this letter. it is probably the last thing i will be able to say to you, love. im sorry

My Darling Lynn,
As much as it pains my heart, mind and soul to write this letter, I fear I have no other choice. Before I begin explaining why I must write this, I want the first thing you read to be the words I Love You. Because that is the truth, the WHOLE Truth, and Nothing but the truth in my heart for and about you. There is no other in my life, and I doubt there ever will be, at least for a long LONG time. Because, dear, you’ve really changed me a lot. You’ve left a mark on my heart that is un-washable. It’s more like a big hole with your name in it. There is nothing that can fill it, you are my one and only. Which is why it hurts me so badly to write this.
Please, do not hate me for it, for it is not my fault. My parents have made it so that there is no way I would ever be able to get on the computer without them around, watching everything I do. They read everything we said, Lynn. Everything about love, sex, our past and our future, they saw it all. Even the superpoke war we had, (and I’m pretty sure the kiss you sent me along with the message that was attached) they even saw my wall and what we said about super-gluing me to your bed.
I will not be online for a very long time because of this, and I just want you to know that even though I will not be able to stay in contact, I still love you.
But you should consider finding someone else to make you happy, someone else who is there physically for you, and someone else who loves you as much as I do. Baby, I am in tears over this. And I know that as soon as I step away from this keyboard I will run, crying in hysterics, to my pillow and sob into it all night long.
I just do not want anyone to see me crying, however, for I fear that if they did I would get sent away to an asylum or a shrink… or a pastor… O_o
I am so sorry, darling. Truly, and sincerely, I am. Believe me when I say that if I had any control whatsoever over this situation, I would be talking with you.
And if I had full control, if there was any way on this earth that it could happen you would be in my arms right now. We would be in a hotel room somewhere on HK Island and we’d be living there until our parents came begging at our feet for us to return and swearing we can be together.
Our parents’ lives would be miserable and we would always be together, forever. I’d make you the happiest girl who ever lived and ever will live on earth and we would prove that Lesbian love exists and that you can thrive on it.
Believe me darling when I say that if there were a way, any way, I would have you. I would never leave you. But my parents are trying to be protective, and they’ve blocked everything on the computer. I can’t talk to any of my friends, so its not just you. But it is because of what we said and were planning. And its not just us talking about sex, it was the fact that it was lesbian sex that upset them. Though if I had been talking about sex with a guy they would have done the same thing, I don’t know why everything is so serious all the time. I wish the bible didn’t have to be taken seriously.
I just… I need you to know that no matter what happens between us, no matter how long we are apart, or even if we never see each other again, I will always love you. I will always keep your pictures with me, and I will always refer to you as my girl, even if you aren’t anymore, I will always tell my friends about you, and I will always love and cherish your memories in my heart, mind and soul forever. And that is one thing you can always be sure of. Even if you get yourself a new girlfriend, if you go and sleep with different girls, I will still love you. I know you lost me once, I know that I let you down by my leaving HK. I know that I broke your heart and you’d just begun to get over me when I showed up again,
And I am truly sorry for that. I really REALLY am, Lynn. When I found you on Facebook on your birthday, I had no clue it was going to get so personal so quickly, I had no idea you had ever had feelings for me, (Especially because I’ve always considered myself a huge, disgusting gross person, and you’re this gorgeous little girl who could have anyone she wants and you picked me of all people!) I just missed you as a friend. I missed talking to you about the demented cartoons, about Liam, and also personal things, I missed hanging out with you like we did when I was there. I can’t even remember if I hugged you goodbye or not! And then everything flipped upside down and we started talking about sex and oral and drinking and dental dams (or whatever they are xP) and it was 3 in the morning here, I always get really perverted at night. I just… I guess my problem is that I want so badly to be loved. I want so badly to have someone to be in love with, to have someone to hold and to love and who loves me. And for you, whom I’d already loved; to say you loved me back was just a miracle. And I wanted you. And I still do want you, even though my whole life I’ve been taught that all of this is wrong, the urge is still there. I cannot get it to go away, I love you.
Do not forget that, Lynn. Please, do not forget that. If you need forget me to keep from hurting yourself, go right ahead. Forget me, but don’t forget that there will always be someone on the other side of the world praying for and loving you. I do not expect you to wait for me. I do not expect you to want to wait for me. You are an amazing girl and you deserve someone who can love you.
If you had to wait, it would be a couple of years. And that is a LONG time. I mean, I may wind up going on a missions trip with Encounter sometime, and I’m trying to convince my parents to let me go to Love Actually in February… but even if I did go, we wouldn’t be able to be together, would we?
Tim would be there, you would not want your idol to see you with me, would you?
I don’t know what you’d want, I know that I wouldn’t care too much, but I just…
I’m so confused about the difference between right and wrong right now, it’s giving me a migraine. Anyways, I doubt my parents will let me go to Love actually unless you aren’t going. I would love to go, I’ve wanted to go even before I met you. But now that I have, I don’t know. I’d really like to hear Tim talk about what he believes on this subject with my own ears. I’d like to talk with him, and with you about this whole thing and make sure we aren’t going to Hell for it. But like I said, it will probably never be able to happen until I get a job and enough money and are legally aloud to fly out there myself, but by then you will probably already have a girlfriend. You’re amazing; it would not surprise me in the slightest. (Though I would gladly get on a 23-hour flight for you. xP)
So anyways, Dear, I need you to know that I am not leaving because I have any choice, and I am not leaving because I don’t love you. I am being forced to leave you, but they cannot control whom I love. And if it is supposed to happen, it will someday. Possibly in the near future, but most likely a long while from now.
Lynn, though I cannot speak with you anymore, I will never forget you. I could never forget you. You have been an amazing friend to me. And I hope that you get everything you need for your relationship with God worked out soon. God is amazing, I know because I have had very personal times with him… just because I’ve been struggling lately doesn’t mean that he isn’t there. I know he is because if he wasn’t there would be no reason for me. For anyone, no one would be here. Nothing would exist.
It’s so awesome, the way he works in our hearts. You think you believe something and then he shows you something in your life and just opens your eyes to it and it’s sobering and really freaky. But you know, though I am terrified of him and the things he can do,
I just think I have almost no time on this earth. Am I going to live it for the things I want that wouldn’t last even if there were no God, (like sex, dating, etc) or am I going to live it for something that is bigger than I am? Something (or Someone) that can control everything and has a place up there waiting for me. I know that we both want to run our own lives, and I still feel that way. But you know, you have to think about it like this,
If we run our own lives and have everything we want for the… what, 80, 85 years we have left on earth, and got to do whatever we wanted, would we actually wind up HAPPY in the end? I mean really happy, Lynn. Like the kind of happy that makes your stomach shrivel up with excitement. The kind of happy that doesn’t wear off when the chick you’re flirting with gets offline. The kind of happiness that makes you completely sure that you are going somewhere better than where you’re leaving.
I don’t know about you, but though I really crave a sex life, a love life, whatever, I care a lot more about my eternal life. The one I’m going to have forever. Forever NEVER ends. It’s hard to explain, but think of a time line. A white line in the middle of a… black sheet of paper. Make that line, straight across the paper. That line represents all of time, history and the future that will happen, it has a beginning and an end, right? Well, now look at the black all around it. That’s the space outside of time, that’s like what eternity is. There is no beginning and there is no end, it just keeps going on. And personally, I would very much like to not have to spend all of forever-ness burning in a big lake of fire. I hate fire. It scares me. And it is something that I do NOT want for you. I never have and I never will. I love you too much to forfeit you to Satan that easily, I love you more than just sexually, Lynn. I’ve loved you for the amazing person you’ve always been… even before you told me that you were a lesbian, I was attracted to your natural personality. I will never give up on you. And I know that you think the bible doesn’t apply to us now, that it was for back then, and I really hate disagreeing with you, but I’m going to have to on this one. I really believe that it applies to us now. Though a lot of things need to be interoperated in ways that apply to modern day life, it still does apply to life itself. Past present and future always has and always will. I’m sorry if you do not agree, I do not expect you to; I just felt I should be honest with you because you are my friend and I value honesty. I would want you to be honest with me as well.
Also, I would like to apologize for going on about everything about the sex and stuff. That was the perverted side of me coming out. It was late, and I was just so excited to be talking with you again, and I was upset about things that had been on my mind,
I know that I’ve probably hurt you a lot in what I’ve said, and I am sorry. What I said about “popping your cherry” was completely inappropriate in every way. I would never dare take your innocence away, Lynn. And I’m praying that you take it seriously and don’t give into pear pressure, okay? I want you to be happy. Really happy, and I want you to grow in your walk with God. I think its something that we both need. And I am very glad that you’ve started to talk with Josh about it cause he’s very good at helping people with their faith. He’s helped me so much.
Now Lynn, just because I am saying all this about the bible being true and stuff, does not mean that I don’t love you. It does not mean that I do not have feelings for you, it just means that I have to think about what’s good for us in the LONG run, you know? Believe me, if I “lived for the day” like I used to, I would be saying “screw my parents, you’re mine!” but as much as I want it, as much as I crave it, as much as I love you, I cannot give into this temptation. This is one trap that I CANNOT let myself fall into.
I am sorry if you hate me for this. I am sorry if I’m breaking your heart, and I’m sorry if I lead you on. I know I probably did and I feel so horrible about that. But the truth is, I should have never asked if you had a girlfriend. I started it all. I started the conversation because of my freaking curiosity. “Curiosity killed the cat.” Its funny cause lately I’ve been calling myself a cat cause of the way I’ve been doing my makeup. xP
Anyways, my point is that I really want what will be good for you and make you really happy in the long run, at the end of your life, not the beginning. You’re 14, Lynn. As am I, and we need to think about how we’re going to shape our lives.
I love you. I always will, I promise. And you will always be one of my best friends. Even if I am not allowed to talk with you, I will always remember you. And again, I am very sorry I had to write this. I am very sorry that I ever entered into your life because I fear I’ve only made things worse for you. I’m sorry you ever had to meat me, Lynn.
Please just try to forget me. I do not deserve any friends right now. I’ve let all of them down. Every single one.
I let Josh down, Grace, Tim, Meredith, My parents, my forum administrator Mrs. A, Basically all my friends online, everyone I know, really. But more importantly, I let God down. Which is what I really have to fix right now.
Perhaps sometime in the future when I am mature enough to stand up to temptation and say “no, this is wrong” while it is happening, we can speak again.
But for now, my love, I must bid thee farewell. And I hope you find someone who makes you happy and who is able to love you in the way they should.
Please do not give your innocence away without thought; it is one of the most important things you have left. You should own it and treat it like it’s worth a trillion dollars, cause it’s worth so much more than that.
Thank you for making me feel so loved, Lynn. I have not felt loved like that ever, and I don’t think I deserved it, it was a gift. And I thank you for it. You make me so happy. I just wish that things were different and Morality had a different base on which it stands. But it does not, the reality of it all is that God loves us both and he will not quit pulling us apart till we realize we’re doing something wrong. =/ I am sorry.
God has a cruel sense of humor. =X xD
Well, I am not sure what else to say. I believe I’ve said I love you many times. (xP)
I believe I have explained my thoughts on this subject,
I believe I have made it clear that though we cannot speak I will always remember you, and I believe I have already apologized for everything.
I am sorry I had to write this.
I leave you with nothing but some duct-tape to prevent the ZEEKY words from being spoken, An umbrella to keep you dry when the kamikaze watermelon splatters all over the place, a Giant H Bomb to blow up Romeo when he pops up underneath your tower, O Juliet, and finally a Rocket ship to escape to the moon with.
May your life be amazing, full of adventure, excitement, romance and an amazing personal relationship with Jesus. Cause you know that even if everyone else leaves you, he’s the one who’ll always stick around. Cause he’s everywhere.
I love you, Lynn. I hope some day I get the privilege to see you again.
Also, I really want to leave you with a kiss, but I cannot give you a real one. =(
So… imagine me kissing you, like I wanted to but never did. And maybe some day I’ll get the chance. I love you, Katlin.

XOXO
<3333
Lexy Gold

P.S.
You may still lock Liam in a cellar and feed him old socks, I’d like that.