First off, before i begin, i would like everyone to read this whole thing. especially Lynn, cause it mentions you throughout the whole thing. and there are some funny things in it... at least i thought they were funny. whatever. just read it, please.
Hating Love Vs Inadequate Perfection in
The Beautiful Wrong
By Lexy Gold
It’s hard to choose which path to follow, especially when you live in this century. Part of you wants to follow the world and go with everything that Hollywood says is the “right” way. But the part of you with morals and a conscience tells you that the only “right” way is doing everything that annoys you the most. Give away your money to the church, pray every day, follow God’s laws and you wont burn in Hell forever, it’s always something around those lines. Christians try to shove their morals up your ass every day and inject you with religion through their newly sharpened rosary disguised needles. Sometimes life just does not seem worth the battle it hides behind. And even if it is, what if you never win the battle and don’t ever get to see the wonders an actual “life” holds for you? Your treasures will be lost and forgotten, rotting away in a corner of the life you never showed up to claim because you were held back from your reservation by death’s cold bloody hands. You could wind up like John F. Kennedy with the side of your head blown right off before you even get the chance to see how your life would have turned out had you not been partially decapitated by some Hispanic guy. Every decision in life has to be made cautiously, and all your actions need to be planned and thought out thoroughly lest something really bad happen when you’re at the top of your game later on. Thinking about all of this makes me understand and sort of “respect” agoraphobics much more. The world and life in general is terrifying and I would like nothing more than to hide away in my apartment and pretend like I had never enlisted in the war that is my life. However, no one really “enlists” in their life battle, you’re sort of drafted in when God decides that he (or she) wants you to start existing because, of course, the world could never go on spinning without yet another little screwed up Emo kid that no one cares about or even acknowledges. I say this mostly because us Emos, Goths, Punks, and some art freaks are the only ones that seem to have any confusion about our lives. The preps, Jocks, band geeks, and so on and so fourth, are always happy, content and never complain about the lives they’ve been placed in. Even if they don’t believe in any superior being out there, they are still “content,” which is disgusting. At least the cutters know that life sucks and are willing to except that fact. This is yet another example of how preps are horrible for our society. They ignore the honest truth about reality, life is horrible, and they’ve all chosen to ignore that and go with the flow instead of thinking ahead and showing any concern about the way their lives will turn out after they get out of high school. They live for the day, satisfy the moment, and get excited about small childish things that have nothing exciting about them. Like credit cards. I know so many preps that get all giddy about their visa gold cards, and have to make sure their purse is always with them. Because God forbid, if anything happens to their purse “their visa’s in there!” OH NO! It’s the end of the F-ing world! What ever shall we do?! I’ve got a message for all you preps, Get Over It. No one cares about your visa gold card with YOUR signature and YOUR name on it in your purse with your stupid Caribou employee discount card right next to it. Life is not about making coffee and buying the right outfit for your trip to church on Christmas Eve. Life has to have more to it than that. Because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t be alive, I wouldn’t want to live in a world where our very existence revolves around teenage girls and their shopping sprees, boyfriends, and credit cards. I would shoot myself. But, if I didn’t shoot myself and life still revolved around that, (I would just like to point this out) I would have stuck around only for my best friend Grace because I promised her I wouldn’t give into the satanic ways of Preps, I love her too much. But hey, what is a friendship if you aren’t willing to suffer for it? I would endure anything for Grace, and I will if the time ever comes. But anyways, let us get back to our topic. Some of you are probably wondering what the title is for, “Hating Love Vs Inadequate Perfection in The Beautiful Wrong.” I will start with the first two contradictions and move my way to the last two. Luckily, there are only three pairs so it shouldn’t take me too long. “Hating Love,” I originally thought of contradictions in my titles because of a song I heard by Lindsay Lohan called “disconnected” which is one hundred percent contradictions. But hating love is not from the song, it came from a mood I was in a few days ago, and it will take me a while to explain the whole thing so bare with me. When the whole thing happened with Lynn on “Facebook,” and I’d come to the final conclusion that I had truly “fallen in love” with her, I got everything I love taken away by my parents. Therefore I came to the conclusion that I “hated love” because at the moment, I did. And I realize that must seem a bit hypocritical, me trying to satisfy the moment with a statement. Statements can do nothing but make your parents angrier. They do not believe that I am in love with my dear Katlin, but I do not care what they believe. I am my own person, and I believe that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, even if everyone else disagrees. Let them think what they want; it will not change my feelings for Lynn. I said I hated love when this whole mess started because I simply hated the fact that I’d fallen in love. Especially this young, this naive, this inexperienced at life in general, I didn’t know how to be in a relationship, and I must admit, I still don’t know. But after this happened; I decided I would take the chance. Let this be a lesson to kids out there, if you love someone, if you are naturally attracted to them, GO FOR IT. Do not let your opportunity pass up. I’ve learned this from experience. I had the biggest crush on Lynn when I lived in Hong Kong, but I was too embarrassed or whatever to tell her or even leave any hints other than letting her sit on my lap and playing with her hair every once in a while. I was an idiot, and now I have to wait 3 ½ years to see her again. Which is fine with me, it’s better than not seeing her at all. That’s just how in love with her I am. But it does hurt when I think of what we could’ve had, had either of us made a move. So learn from my mistake, people, and take any chance you’re given. Because if you don’t, I guarantee you will regret it. Don’t hate love, embrace it. Sometimes it’s the only joy you get out of this life. Second pair of contradictions, “Inadequate Perfection,” came from another mood I was in around the same time, and it has to do with the same subject, Lynn. You can find inadequacy in almost anything, correct? Well, I searched for some in Lynn, as I do with everyone I know, and the only thing I could find was her making out with all these other girls, and that was only when comparing her to myself. She grew up differently than I did. She grew up in the New York City public school system, her parents aren’t Christians, and she just lives in a different environment. Especially because I am nothing more than an inexperienced home schooled loser from Duluth, Minnesota who hasn’t even kissed one person since 5th grade. It was a bit shocking when I found out Lynn’s “secret” life, (though it’s not that secret if she posts about it all on her public blog) but I believe I’ve gotten over it. I’m very excepting of her, I always have been, and people like her in general. Ask anyone I know, I have half my friends convinced I am going to become a pole dancer at some night club in NYC in 4 years, and I have the other half convinced that I would like to date a pole dancer from a night club in NYC in 4 years. Right now, I am not convinced of either story. But as long as we’re coming out, yes, I do like pole dancers. And not just for the reasons you are all thinking, “Oh, well Lindsay Lohan’s new movie about a pole dancer who gets abducted and tortured just came out 2 weeks ago…” wrong. If that were the case, I would want to stay away from pole dancers because I would be convinced that we’d all get abducted and tortured. I take things literally, people. Use your brains; they come in handier than you’d think. I like them because I’ve always liked girls that have things to hide, reckless life styles, bad family histories, scars that carry more back ground than breaking up with their boyfriend, (or girlfriend,) this may sound awkward or “wrong” but I really like sluts. Victoria Secret models, celebrities, pole dancers, I cannot explain it, but I adore them. Though Lynn is not a pole dancer, (at least I’m pretty sure she’s not) she is a model and she goes partying, and she makes out with random girls from her school, I don’t know. I wouldn’t go as far as calling her a “slut” exactly, but I adore her most of all. She is Inadequately Perfect because she’s so perfect that everyone else is inadequate compared to her. I swear, she walks in the room and all the girls just melt in their chairs in shame because they all know she owns them. She’s so perfect that everyone else is inadequate; it’s just that simple. Now for the third and final pair of contradictions, “The Beautiful Wrong.” This came from a song that I wrote myself titled “The Ultimate Faith” which I also wrote a few days after the whole mess with Lynn occurred. In the song I say that everyone says our lives our gone, we’ve both been trampled on, and because we waited so long we’re living a beautiful wrong. Basically, the message is that I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about us. Because life sucks, and if I have to fight for something, I should be able to choose what I am fighting for, right? Everyone should be able to choose what they put their life on the line for, even if they got drafted into the fight in the first place. As far as faith goes, I do not have a clue where I stand. I want to believe in God, because if he is there then I’ll go to hell for doing what I’m doing right now, and I’d still have a chance to turn around. But then, I adore Lynn far too much to give her up for something that I think might be there. If I am going to give her up I’ll have to be completely sure that God’s there, because if I’m not, then I will kill myself over this girl, because I love her. I have loved her since the first time I talked to her, and I’ve had a crush on her since the first time I saw her. I do not believe in “love at first sight” because I know it takes at least a little bit of knowledge about the person to actually “love” them. But luckily, the first time I talked to Lynn was for a few hours about all the junk she liked and stuff. So I got lucky. Usually the first time you talk to someone it’s basically “Hi, I’m Lexy… well, talk to you later, bye.” But I adored her and tried to drug myself every Saturday so I would sleep for a week and be able to wake up right before I had to go to youth group the next Friday and see her. Of course, it never actually worked. I’d wind up sleeping for 11 hours then wake up depressed because I knew I’d have to wait a whole week to see her again. My beautiful wrong is what I’m currently living for. Because though I am being taught it is wrong, its beautiful and feels amazing. I am in love with Lynn, even if she winds up not being in love with me. Even if she winds up running off with some super model in NYC and never speaks to me again, I’d adore her. I don’t know why, so don’t ask me, cause I wouldn’t have an answer. But I love her. Now you’ve got the title understood, at least somewhat I hope, so it is time to get back to the whole life is a bloody battle that results in death no matter how you look at it. I am going to attempt to put into words my concept of Life. And not the cereal or the game, Life in general, our very existence has so many unopened doors, so many keys that have yet to be turned and I wish to share my aspect of the whole thing with those I hold closest to my heart. We’ll start with God. Most of you know that I dabbled in the religion “Wicca” or “Wicken” or whatever you call it, I was a witch when I was in Hong Kong, because my whole life I’ve wanted God to be a woman. I’ve always wanted that because it would make believing so much easier, because I am naturally drawn to women, I support them in everything they do, I adore women and the fact that God is generally referred to as a “he” upsets me. Especially in the bible when all people are referred to as “man” because man came first. Women should have come first. Like that joke in A Prairie Home Companion, “When God created woman, he gave her not two breasts, but three. When the middle one got in the way, God performed surgery. The woman stood before god with the middle breast in hand, she said ‘What do we do with the useless boob?’ and God created man.” That is the best joke I’ve ever heard and it should be reality. Women are so superior compared to men in so many different ways, and our smaller bodies make us SEXIER. So get over yourself, guys. Just cause you’re generally stronger than us does not mean that you’re better in any way. Just meet my cousin Bethany. She just got back from Iraq and she can kick any guy’s ass in three seconds. She owns life! But she’s straight, and good for her. That way she can be the dominant female in every situation. She’s my new hero, I adore he, and she’s going to University of Minnesota, which would be my third choice after some random college in Hong Kong and NYU. But I would rather go to school out of state (or out of country) so my mom can’t come and visit me all the time. Especially if Lynn’s living with me, that would be awkward, and my mom might try to murder us. So if I live out of state, then she’d have to pay a lot of money to kill us, and by the time she got there we’d be gone. I may never even give them my address I might just leave. My life is my own, and I think I’d like to take a few years to myself to sort it all out while going to school and getting my career set up. And now that we’re on that subject, no, I do not know what I want to do. At first I wanted to get into screen acting and audition for small parts in Without a Trace, The closer, and maybe Saving Grace on TNT cause those are my three favorite shows ever, but I don’t know if I’m good enough for that. Then I was considering getting into graphic arts for like, Pixar and Disney but then I figured I’d have a migraine from sitting on a computer screen all day trying to make reasonably realistic looking characters that the whole world will have to be impressed with, so I quickly ditched that idea. In the end when I get tired of trying to figure it out I give up and say “forget it, I’ll be a high school drop out pole dancer in NYC.” But I never mean it, because if I was I’d get aids or something and that would be disgusting. Besides, I’m not bad enough. I’d have to be okay with getting trashed, high, and hung over and I’m not. There are only a couple alcoholic drinks I like, margaritas. Those are amazing, and something else I might like had I ever tired it, is a long island ice tea. Though like I said, hangovers aren’t for me, so… yea. I guess we can forget that. And I am aware that a lot of my characters are alcoholics, but that is just because I write about the stuff I wish I could do without getting pissed at myself. I am strange, but I don’t give a damn, so get off it. Alright, one thing you all should know is that I have a bad habit of rambling on and on until I eventually arrive at the point I originally set out to make, and by the time I actually get there I’ve forgotten what the point was, so forgive me for losing my deep edge I started this thing with. It is never intentional, but it’s just the way I talk. So… ah yes, I was talking about how I was a witch in Hong Kong. See how far I get myself off track? It’s no joke. Anyways, yea, I was a witch. Mainly because they believe god is a goddess and that was what I wanted, so I sort of converted myself until I felt like God forced me to throw my Lindsay Lohan EVERYTHING in the trash. I couldn’t hold myself back. It was all my drawings, magazines, and the four yearlong journals with photos of her starting at the beginning of my obsession back in 2003. It was horrible, I felt like I’d been ripped in half and burned. That was the beginning of the draft. After that night, I picked up my uniform and stood in line for the battle against myself with the rest of the clones of my soul that had been waiting longer than I’d known to fight for me. I checked my ammunition and forced my once flesh like body to become hard and metal like a robot that obeys every order it is given, as did the rest of the clones. We all stood in line awaiting our future that had seemed to be set in stone for us, and to make that night worse it was raining. Not just a drizzle, but it was poring big wet muddy raindrops on all of our blonde heads. The only good anyone could have gotten out of it aside from the hope that it would soon end was that the rain, no matter how muddy it was, made all our eyes shine as if they’d stolen the color from the sky and caused the rain themselves. My life from that night on was never the same. There was always a part of me missing, and there still is. I left so much of me behind in Hong Kong, which is why I need so badly to get back there. My whole experience from that night on has challenged my faith so much. I do not think I even believe in God anymore. I don’t know if there is any superior being out there at all. I feel like if I pray for help and there is a god, they wont answer my prayer anyways because of my disbelief. I feel so alone and empty all the time, but I keep holding on because if I’m going to give up on myself, I would rather it be after I’ve discovered everything about myself and after the questions about life and existence that swim in my brain constantly have been answered. I’ve always hated songs and letters that’s themes are a question about god and then at the end they end with the question and it never gets answered. I think there is no point to making a song like that because it gives you no hope and it just makes the listeners pissed at the artist/writer. So… do not be angry with me, the point of this was to open up to you all, and to myself. I needed to get some of the stuff in my mind out and into words, also as a writing exercise. If my writing teacher refuses to let us do creative writing, then I’ll give myself assignments. I love writing anyways, so I have no problem with that. Anyways, please comment on this and tell me what you think about it… or you could get my cell number from Grace on facebook and call me about it. Because I do not know when the next time I’ll get to read my blog is. =/ Well, I love all of you. Especially you, Lynn. Don’t be sad because the Christians in your life are being assholes to you, you’ll find some who are excepting of you. And if you don’t, you still have me. Okay? I will always love you; I will never stop loving you. I promise I’m going to work my ass off in school so I can get a scholarship to college in HK or NYC wherever you are when we’re 18. I can’t keep losing you… I’m in love with you.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
my new hair... please dont kill me Lynn
I didnt do it "for" you exactly, honey....
i did it in remembrance of you and my asian friends back in HK. its not perfectly asian, and its darker than your hair... but still. its a huge change.
i know you said you loved be blonde, and i am awfully sorry for that... but my parents have blocked all means of communication between us, and so i had to do something.
for a few days, i felt like killing myself. and i still do, but im hanging on in the hopes that some day i'll get to see you again. and if i dont, then i hope you find someone who loves you even more than i do.
and here's before i chopped it off:
i know i look ugly, but you will all have to get over it. cause i cant dye my hair again for a couple months.
but it does grow real fast... i dont know. i was at my rock bottom. i was scratching and cutting and hurting myself, i wanted all my hair gone. im a psycho.
but i did it. Nevan likes it, and Josh hates it. but screw Josh. he got a girlfriend and so did i. xP
well, now that Lynn and i cant talk i dont know where we stand...
i want you to find someone who can be there for you, Lynn.
AAAHHH!!!
Looking at the pics of my blonde hair make me miss it so much!!
k, i'll buy a wig and pretend im Britney Spears till it all grows back
im so sorry to my blonde loving friends
i did it in remembrance of you and my asian friends back in HK. its not perfectly asian, and its darker than your hair... but still. its a huge change.
i know you said you loved be blonde, and i am awfully sorry for that... but my parents have blocked all means of communication between us, and so i had to do something.
for a few days, i felt like killing myself. and i still do, but im hanging on in the hopes that some day i'll get to see you again. and if i dont, then i hope you find someone who loves you even more than i do.
and here's before i chopped it off:
i know i look ugly, but you will all have to get over it. cause i cant dye my hair again for a couple months.
but it does grow real fast... i dont know. i was at my rock bottom. i was scratching and cutting and hurting myself, i wanted all my hair gone. im a psycho.
but i did it. Nevan likes it, and Josh hates it. but screw Josh. he got a girlfriend and so did i. xP
well, now that Lynn and i cant talk i dont know where we stand...
i want you to find someone who can be there for you, Lynn.
AAAHHH!!!
Looking at the pics of my blonde hair make me miss it so much!!
k, i'll buy a wig and pretend im Britney Spears till it all grows back
im so sorry to my blonde loving friends
Dying on the inside
im getting a little more personal
because i will not be on, i've written this letter. it is probably the last thing i will be able to say to you, love. im sorry
My Darling Lynn,
As much as it pains my heart, mind and soul to write this letter, I fear I have no other choice. Before I begin explaining why I must write this, I want the first thing you read to be the words I Love You. Because that is the truth, the WHOLE Truth, and Nothing but the truth in my heart for and about you. There is no other in my life, and I doubt there ever will be, at least for a long LONG time. Because, dear, you’ve really changed me a lot. You’ve left a mark on my heart that is un-washable. It’s more like a big hole with your name in it. There is nothing that can fill it, you are my one and only. Which is why it hurts me so badly to write this.
Please, do not hate me for it, for it is not my fault. My parents have made it so that there is no way I would ever be able to get on the computer without them around, watching everything I do. They read everything we said, Lynn. Everything about love, sex, our past and our future, they saw it all. Even the superpoke war we had, (and I’m pretty sure the kiss you sent me along with the message that was attached) they even saw my wall and what we said about super-gluing me to your bed.
I will not be online for a very long time because of this, and I just want you to know that even though I will not be able to stay in contact, I still love you.
But you should consider finding someone else to make you happy, someone else who is there physically for you, and someone else who loves you as much as I do. Baby, I am in tears over this. And I know that as soon as I step away from this keyboard I will run, crying in hysterics, to my pillow and sob into it all night long.
I just do not want anyone to see me crying, however, for I fear that if they did I would get sent away to an asylum or a shrink… or a pastor… O_o
I am so sorry, darling. Truly, and sincerely, I am. Believe me when I say that if I had any control whatsoever over this situation, I would be talking with you.
And if I had full control, if there was any way on this earth that it could happen you would be in my arms right now. We would be in a hotel room somewhere on HK Island and we’d be living there until our parents came begging at our feet for us to return and swearing we can be together.
Our parents’ lives would be miserable and we would always be together, forever. I’d make you the happiest girl who ever lived and ever will live on earth and we would prove that Lesbian love exists and that you can thrive on it.
Believe me darling when I say that if there were a way, any way, I would have you. I would never leave you. But my parents are trying to be protective, and they’ve blocked everything on the computer. I can’t talk to any of my friends, so its not just you. But it is because of what we said and were planning. And its not just us talking about sex, it was the fact that it was lesbian sex that upset them. Though if I had been talking about sex with a guy they would have done the same thing, I don’t know why everything is so serious all the time. I wish the bible didn’t have to be taken seriously.
I just… I need you to know that no matter what happens between us, no matter how long we are apart, or even if we never see each other again, I will always love you. I will always keep your pictures with me, and I will always refer to you as my girl, even if you aren’t anymore, I will always tell my friends about you, and I will always love and cherish your memories in my heart, mind and soul forever. And that is one thing you can always be sure of. Even if you get yourself a new girlfriend, if you go and sleep with different girls, I will still love you. I know you lost me once, I know that I let you down by my leaving HK. I know that I broke your heart and you’d just begun to get over me when I showed up again,
And I am truly sorry for that. I really REALLY am, Lynn. When I found you on Facebook on your birthday, I had no clue it was going to get so personal so quickly, I had no idea you had ever had feelings for me, (Especially because I’ve always considered myself a huge, disgusting gross person, and you’re this gorgeous little girl who could have anyone she wants and you picked me of all people!) I just missed you as a friend. I missed talking to you about the demented cartoons, about Liam, and also personal things, I missed hanging out with you like we did when I was there. I can’t even remember if I hugged you goodbye or not! And then everything flipped upside down and we started talking about sex and oral and drinking and dental dams (or whatever they are xP) and it was 3 in the morning here, I always get really perverted at night. I just… I guess my problem is that I want so badly to be loved. I want so badly to have someone to be in love with, to have someone to hold and to love and who loves me. And for you, whom I’d already loved; to say you loved me back was just a miracle. And I wanted you. And I still do want you, even though my whole life I’ve been taught that all of this is wrong, the urge is still there. I cannot get it to go away, I love you.
Do not forget that, Lynn. Please, do not forget that. If you need forget me to keep from hurting yourself, go right ahead. Forget me, but don’t forget that there will always be someone on the other side of the world praying for and loving you. I do not expect you to wait for me. I do not expect you to want to wait for me. You are an amazing girl and you deserve someone who can love you.
If you had to wait, it would be a couple of years. And that is a LONG time. I mean, I may wind up going on a missions trip with Encounter sometime, and I’m trying to convince my parents to let me go to Love Actually in February… but even if I did go, we wouldn’t be able to be together, would we?
Tim would be there, you would not want your idol to see you with me, would you?
I don’t know what you’d want, I know that I wouldn’t care too much, but I just…
I’m so confused about the difference between right and wrong right now, it’s giving me a migraine. Anyways, I doubt my parents will let me go to Love actually unless you aren’t going. I would love to go, I’ve wanted to go even before I met you. But now that I have, I don’t know. I’d really like to hear Tim talk about what he believes on this subject with my own ears. I’d like to talk with him, and with you about this whole thing and make sure we aren’t going to Hell for it. But like I said, it will probably never be able to happen until I get a job and enough money and are legally aloud to fly out there myself, but by then you will probably already have a girlfriend. You’re amazing; it would not surprise me in the slightest. (Though I would gladly get on a 23-hour flight for you. xP)
So anyways, Dear, I need you to know that I am not leaving because I have any choice, and I am not leaving because I don’t love you. I am being forced to leave you, but they cannot control whom I love. And if it is supposed to happen, it will someday. Possibly in the near future, but most likely a long while from now.
Lynn, though I cannot speak with you anymore, I will never forget you. I could never forget you. You have been an amazing friend to me. And I hope that you get everything you need for your relationship with God worked out soon. God is amazing, I know because I have had very personal times with him… just because I’ve been struggling lately doesn’t mean that he isn’t there. I know he is because if he wasn’t there would be no reason for me. For anyone, no one would be here. Nothing would exist.
It’s so awesome, the way he works in our hearts. You think you believe something and then he shows you something in your life and just opens your eyes to it and it’s sobering and really freaky. But you know, though I am terrified of him and the things he can do,
I just think I have almost no time on this earth. Am I going to live it for the things I want that wouldn’t last even if there were no God, (like sex, dating, etc) or am I going to live it for something that is bigger than I am? Something (or Someone) that can control everything and has a place up there waiting for me. I know that we both want to run our own lives, and I still feel that way. But you know, you have to think about it like this,
If we run our own lives and have everything we want for the… what, 80, 85 years we have left on earth, and got to do whatever we wanted, would we actually wind up HAPPY in the end? I mean really happy, Lynn. Like the kind of happy that makes your stomach shrivel up with excitement. The kind of happy that doesn’t wear off when the chick you’re flirting with gets offline. The kind of happiness that makes you completely sure that you are going somewhere better than where you’re leaving.
I don’t know about you, but though I really crave a sex life, a love life, whatever, I care a lot more about my eternal life. The one I’m going to have forever. Forever NEVER ends. It’s hard to explain, but think of a time line. A white line in the middle of a… black sheet of paper. Make that line, straight across the paper. That line represents all of time, history and the future that will happen, it has a beginning and an end, right? Well, now look at the black all around it. That’s the space outside of time, that’s like what eternity is. There is no beginning and there is no end, it just keeps going on. And personally, I would very much like to not have to spend all of forever-ness burning in a big lake of fire. I hate fire. It scares me. And it is something that I do NOT want for you. I never have and I never will. I love you too much to forfeit you to Satan that easily, I love you more than just sexually, Lynn. I’ve loved you for the amazing person you’ve always been… even before you told me that you were a lesbian, I was attracted to your natural personality. I will never give up on you. And I know that you think the bible doesn’t apply to us now, that it was for back then, and I really hate disagreeing with you, but I’m going to have to on this one. I really believe that it applies to us now. Though a lot of things need to be interoperated in ways that apply to modern day life, it still does apply to life itself. Past present and future always has and always will. I’m sorry if you do not agree, I do not expect you to; I just felt I should be honest with you because you are my friend and I value honesty. I would want you to be honest with me as well.
Also, I would like to apologize for going on about everything about the sex and stuff. That was the perverted side of me coming out. It was late, and I was just so excited to be talking with you again, and I was upset about things that had been on my mind,
I know that I’ve probably hurt you a lot in what I’ve said, and I am sorry. What I said about “popping your cherry” was completely inappropriate in every way. I would never dare take your innocence away, Lynn. And I’m praying that you take it seriously and don’t give into pear pressure, okay? I want you to be happy. Really happy, and I want you to grow in your walk with God. I think its something that we both need. And I am very glad that you’ve started to talk with Josh about it cause he’s very good at helping people with their faith. He’s helped me so much.
Now Lynn, just because I am saying all this about the bible being true and stuff, does not mean that I don’t love you. It does not mean that I do not have feelings for you, it just means that I have to think about what’s good for us in the LONG run, you know? Believe me, if I “lived for the day” like I used to, I would be saying “screw my parents, you’re mine!” but as much as I want it, as much as I crave it, as much as I love you, I cannot give into this temptation. This is one trap that I CANNOT let myself fall into.
I am sorry if you hate me for this. I am sorry if I’m breaking your heart, and I’m sorry if I lead you on. I know I probably did and I feel so horrible about that. But the truth is, I should have never asked if you had a girlfriend. I started it all. I started the conversation because of my freaking curiosity. “Curiosity killed the cat.” Its funny cause lately I’ve been calling myself a cat cause of the way I’ve been doing my makeup. xP
Anyways, my point is that I really want what will be good for you and make you really happy in the long run, at the end of your life, not the beginning. You’re 14, Lynn. As am I, and we need to think about how we’re going to shape our lives.
I love you. I always will, I promise. And you will always be one of my best friends. Even if I am not allowed to talk with you, I will always remember you. And again, I am very sorry I had to write this. I am very sorry that I ever entered into your life because I fear I’ve only made things worse for you. I’m sorry you ever had to meat me, Lynn.
Please just try to forget me. I do not deserve any friends right now. I’ve let all of them down. Every single one.
I let Josh down, Grace, Tim, Meredith, My parents, my forum administrator Mrs. A, Basically all my friends online, everyone I know, really. But more importantly, I let God down. Which is what I really have to fix right now.
Perhaps sometime in the future when I am mature enough to stand up to temptation and say “no, this is wrong” while it is happening, we can speak again.
But for now, my love, I must bid thee farewell. And I hope you find someone who makes you happy and who is able to love you in the way they should.
Please do not give your innocence away without thought; it is one of the most important things you have left. You should own it and treat it like it’s worth a trillion dollars, cause it’s worth so much more than that.
Thank you for making me feel so loved, Lynn. I have not felt loved like that ever, and I don’t think I deserved it, it was a gift. And I thank you for it. You make me so happy. I just wish that things were different and Morality had a different base on which it stands. But it does not, the reality of it all is that God loves us both and he will not quit pulling us apart till we realize we’re doing something wrong. =/ I am sorry.
God has a cruel sense of humor. =X xD
Well, I am not sure what else to say. I believe I’ve said I love you many times. (xP)
I believe I have explained my thoughts on this subject,
I believe I have made it clear that though we cannot speak I will always remember you, and I believe I have already apologized for everything.
I am sorry I had to write this.
I leave you with nothing but some duct-tape to prevent the ZEEKY words from being spoken, An umbrella to keep you dry when the kamikaze watermelon splatters all over the place, a Giant H Bomb to blow up Romeo when he pops up underneath your tower, O Juliet, and finally a Rocket ship to escape to the moon with.
May your life be amazing, full of adventure, excitement, romance and an amazing personal relationship with Jesus. Cause you know that even if everyone else leaves you, he’s the one who’ll always stick around. Cause he’s everywhere.
I love you, Lynn. I hope some day I get the privilege to see you again.
Also, I really want to leave you with a kiss, but I cannot give you a real one. =(
So… imagine me kissing you, like I wanted to but never did. And maybe some day I’ll get the chance. I love you, Katlin.
XOXO
<3333
Lexy Gold
P.S.
You may still lock Liam in a cellar and feed him old socks, I’d like that.
because i will not be on, i've written this letter. it is probably the last thing i will be able to say to you, love. im sorry
My Darling Lynn,
As much as it pains my heart, mind and soul to write this letter, I fear I have no other choice. Before I begin explaining why I must write this, I want the first thing you read to be the words I Love You. Because that is the truth, the WHOLE Truth, and Nothing but the truth in my heart for and about you. There is no other in my life, and I doubt there ever will be, at least for a long LONG time. Because, dear, you’ve really changed me a lot. You’ve left a mark on my heart that is un-washable. It’s more like a big hole with your name in it. There is nothing that can fill it, you are my one and only. Which is why it hurts me so badly to write this.
Please, do not hate me for it, for it is not my fault. My parents have made it so that there is no way I would ever be able to get on the computer without them around, watching everything I do. They read everything we said, Lynn. Everything about love, sex, our past and our future, they saw it all. Even the superpoke war we had, (and I’m pretty sure the kiss you sent me along with the message that was attached) they even saw my wall and what we said about super-gluing me to your bed.
I will not be online for a very long time because of this, and I just want you to know that even though I will not be able to stay in contact, I still love you.
But you should consider finding someone else to make you happy, someone else who is there physically for you, and someone else who loves you as much as I do. Baby, I am in tears over this. And I know that as soon as I step away from this keyboard I will run, crying in hysterics, to my pillow and sob into it all night long.
I just do not want anyone to see me crying, however, for I fear that if they did I would get sent away to an asylum or a shrink… or a pastor… O_o
I am so sorry, darling. Truly, and sincerely, I am. Believe me when I say that if I had any control whatsoever over this situation, I would be talking with you.
And if I had full control, if there was any way on this earth that it could happen you would be in my arms right now. We would be in a hotel room somewhere on HK Island and we’d be living there until our parents came begging at our feet for us to return and swearing we can be together.
Our parents’ lives would be miserable and we would always be together, forever. I’d make you the happiest girl who ever lived and ever will live on earth and we would prove that Lesbian love exists and that you can thrive on it.
Believe me darling when I say that if there were a way, any way, I would have you. I would never leave you. But my parents are trying to be protective, and they’ve blocked everything on the computer. I can’t talk to any of my friends, so its not just you. But it is because of what we said and were planning. And its not just us talking about sex, it was the fact that it was lesbian sex that upset them. Though if I had been talking about sex with a guy they would have done the same thing, I don’t know why everything is so serious all the time. I wish the bible didn’t have to be taken seriously.
I just… I need you to know that no matter what happens between us, no matter how long we are apart, or even if we never see each other again, I will always love you. I will always keep your pictures with me, and I will always refer to you as my girl, even if you aren’t anymore, I will always tell my friends about you, and I will always love and cherish your memories in my heart, mind and soul forever. And that is one thing you can always be sure of. Even if you get yourself a new girlfriend, if you go and sleep with different girls, I will still love you. I know you lost me once, I know that I let you down by my leaving HK. I know that I broke your heart and you’d just begun to get over me when I showed up again,
And I am truly sorry for that. I really REALLY am, Lynn. When I found you on Facebook on your birthday, I had no clue it was going to get so personal so quickly, I had no idea you had ever had feelings for me, (Especially because I’ve always considered myself a huge, disgusting gross person, and you’re this gorgeous little girl who could have anyone she wants and you picked me of all people!) I just missed you as a friend. I missed talking to you about the demented cartoons, about Liam, and also personal things, I missed hanging out with you like we did when I was there. I can’t even remember if I hugged you goodbye or not! And then everything flipped upside down and we started talking about sex and oral and drinking and dental dams (or whatever they are xP) and it was 3 in the morning here, I always get really perverted at night. I just… I guess my problem is that I want so badly to be loved. I want so badly to have someone to be in love with, to have someone to hold and to love and who loves me. And for you, whom I’d already loved; to say you loved me back was just a miracle. And I wanted you. And I still do want you, even though my whole life I’ve been taught that all of this is wrong, the urge is still there. I cannot get it to go away, I love you.
Do not forget that, Lynn. Please, do not forget that. If you need forget me to keep from hurting yourself, go right ahead. Forget me, but don’t forget that there will always be someone on the other side of the world praying for and loving you. I do not expect you to wait for me. I do not expect you to want to wait for me. You are an amazing girl and you deserve someone who can love you.
If you had to wait, it would be a couple of years. And that is a LONG time. I mean, I may wind up going on a missions trip with Encounter sometime, and I’m trying to convince my parents to let me go to Love Actually in February… but even if I did go, we wouldn’t be able to be together, would we?
Tim would be there, you would not want your idol to see you with me, would you?
I don’t know what you’d want, I know that I wouldn’t care too much, but I just…
I’m so confused about the difference between right and wrong right now, it’s giving me a migraine. Anyways, I doubt my parents will let me go to Love actually unless you aren’t going. I would love to go, I’ve wanted to go even before I met you. But now that I have, I don’t know. I’d really like to hear Tim talk about what he believes on this subject with my own ears. I’d like to talk with him, and with you about this whole thing and make sure we aren’t going to Hell for it. But like I said, it will probably never be able to happen until I get a job and enough money and are legally aloud to fly out there myself, but by then you will probably already have a girlfriend. You’re amazing; it would not surprise me in the slightest. (Though I would gladly get on a 23-hour flight for you. xP)
So anyways, Dear, I need you to know that I am not leaving because I have any choice, and I am not leaving because I don’t love you. I am being forced to leave you, but they cannot control whom I love. And if it is supposed to happen, it will someday. Possibly in the near future, but most likely a long while from now.
Lynn, though I cannot speak with you anymore, I will never forget you. I could never forget you. You have been an amazing friend to me. And I hope that you get everything you need for your relationship with God worked out soon. God is amazing, I know because I have had very personal times with him… just because I’ve been struggling lately doesn’t mean that he isn’t there. I know he is because if he wasn’t there would be no reason for me. For anyone, no one would be here. Nothing would exist.
It’s so awesome, the way he works in our hearts. You think you believe something and then he shows you something in your life and just opens your eyes to it and it’s sobering and really freaky. But you know, though I am terrified of him and the things he can do,
I just think I have almost no time on this earth. Am I going to live it for the things I want that wouldn’t last even if there were no God, (like sex, dating, etc) or am I going to live it for something that is bigger than I am? Something (or Someone) that can control everything and has a place up there waiting for me. I know that we both want to run our own lives, and I still feel that way. But you know, you have to think about it like this,
If we run our own lives and have everything we want for the… what, 80, 85 years we have left on earth, and got to do whatever we wanted, would we actually wind up HAPPY in the end? I mean really happy, Lynn. Like the kind of happy that makes your stomach shrivel up with excitement. The kind of happy that doesn’t wear off when the chick you’re flirting with gets offline. The kind of happiness that makes you completely sure that you are going somewhere better than where you’re leaving.
I don’t know about you, but though I really crave a sex life, a love life, whatever, I care a lot more about my eternal life. The one I’m going to have forever. Forever NEVER ends. It’s hard to explain, but think of a time line. A white line in the middle of a… black sheet of paper. Make that line, straight across the paper. That line represents all of time, history and the future that will happen, it has a beginning and an end, right? Well, now look at the black all around it. That’s the space outside of time, that’s like what eternity is. There is no beginning and there is no end, it just keeps going on. And personally, I would very much like to not have to spend all of forever-ness burning in a big lake of fire. I hate fire. It scares me. And it is something that I do NOT want for you. I never have and I never will. I love you too much to forfeit you to Satan that easily, I love you more than just sexually, Lynn. I’ve loved you for the amazing person you’ve always been… even before you told me that you were a lesbian, I was attracted to your natural personality. I will never give up on you. And I know that you think the bible doesn’t apply to us now, that it was for back then, and I really hate disagreeing with you, but I’m going to have to on this one. I really believe that it applies to us now. Though a lot of things need to be interoperated in ways that apply to modern day life, it still does apply to life itself. Past present and future always has and always will. I’m sorry if you do not agree, I do not expect you to; I just felt I should be honest with you because you are my friend and I value honesty. I would want you to be honest with me as well.
Also, I would like to apologize for going on about everything about the sex and stuff. That was the perverted side of me coming out. It was late, and I was just so excited to be talking with you again, and I was upset about things that had been on my mind,
I know that I’ve probably hurt you a lot in what I’ve said, and I am sorry. What I said about “popping your cherry” was completely inappropriate in every way. I would never dare take your innocence away, Lynn. And I’m praying that you take it seriously and don’t give into pear pressure, okay? I want you to be happy. Really happy, and I want you to grow in your walk with God. I think its something that we both need. And I am very glad that you’ve started to talk with Josh about it cause he’s very good at helping people with their faith. He’s helped me so much.
Now Lynn, just because I am saying all this about the bible being true and stuff, does not mean that I don’t love you. It does not mean that I do not have feelings for you, it just means that I have to think about what’s good for us in the LONG run, you know? Believe me, if I “lived for the day” like I used to, I would be saying “screw my parents, you’re mine!” but as much as I want it, as much as I crave it, as much as I love you, I cannot give into this temptation. This is one trap that I CANNOT let myself fall into.
I am sorry if you hate me for this. I am sorry if I’m breaking your heart, and I’m sorry if I lead you on. I know I probably did and I feel so horrible about that. But the truth is, I should have never asked if you had a girlfriend. I started it all. I started the conversation because of my freaking curiosity. “Curiosity killed the cat.” Its funny cause lately I’ve been calling myself a cat cause of the way I’ve been doing my makeup. xP
Anyways, my point is that I really want what will be good for you and make you really happy in the long run, at the end of your life, not the beginning. You’re 14, Lynn. As am I, and we need to think about how we’re going to shape our lives.
I love you. I always will, I promise. And you will always be one of my best friends. Even if I am not allowed to talk with you, I will always remember you. And again, I am very sorry I had to write this. I am very sorry that I ever entered into your life because I fear I’ve only made things worse for you. I’m sorry you ever had to meat me, Lynn.
Please just try to forget me. I do not deserve any friends right now. I’ve let all of them down. Every single one.
I let Josh down, Grace, Tim, Meredith, My parents, my forum administrator Mrs. A, Basically all my friends online, everyone I know, really. But more importantly, I let God down. Which is what I really have to fix right now.
Perhaps sometime in the future when I am mature enough to stand up to temptation and say “no, this is wrong” while it is happening, we can speak again.
But for now, my love, I must bid thee farewell. And I hope you find someone who makes you happy and who is able to love you in the way they should.
Please do not give your innocence away without thought; it is one of the most important things you have left. You should own it and treat it like it’s worth a trillion dollars, cause it’s worth so much more than that.
Thank you for making me feel so loved, Lynn. I have not felt loved like that ever, and I don’t think I deserved it, it was a gift. And I thank you for it. You make me so happy. I just wish that things were different and Morality had a different base on which it stands. But it does not, the reality of it all is that God loves us both and he will not quit pulling us apart till we realize we’re doing something wrong. =/ I am sorry.
God has a cruel sense of humor. =X xD
Well, I am not sure what else to say. I believe I’ve said I love you many times. (xP)
I believe I have explained my thoughts on this subject,
I believe I have made it clear that though we cannot speak I will always remember you, and I believe I have already apologized for everything.
I am sorry I had to write this.
I leave you with nothing but some duct-tape to prevent the ZEEKY words from being spoken, An umbrella to keep you dry when the kamikaze watermelon splatters all over the place, a Giant H Bomb to blow up Romeo when he pops up underneath your tower, O Juliet, and finally a Rocket ship to escape to the moon with.
May your life be amazing, full of adventure, excitement, romance and an amazing personal relationship with Jesus. Cause you know that even if everyone else leaves you, he’s the one who’ll always stick around. Cause he’s everywhere.
I love you, Lynn. I hope some day I get the privilege to see you again.
Also, I really want to leave you with a kiss, but I cannot give you a real one. =(
So… imagine me kissing you, like I wanted to but never did. And maybe some day I’ll get the chance. I love you, Katlin.
XOXO
<3333
Lexy Gold
P.S.
You may still lock Liam in a cellar and feed him old socks, I’d like that.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Oh my Frickin Gosh
k, i got a new outfit... actually, many, but this is my favorite.
and yea, i know it doesnt match.
and yea, i know it doesnt match.
Lilly Johnson and Suzan King Return...
Another video that proves how lame we are
enjoy
The audio is a bit off in the middle, but that just happened during uploading, sorry. =/
k, i've tried uploading this in 20 different ways and because its so long the audio just gets screwed up.
sorry. it can get irritating. dont watch it if you are easily annoyed
enjoy
The audio is a bit off in the middle, but that just happened during uploading, sorry. =/
k, i've tried uploading this in 20 different ways and because its so long the audio just gets screwed up.
sorry. it can get irritating. dont watch it if you are easily annoyed
Saturday, November 10, 2007
at the edge of tears
i cannot believe or comprehend how much i miss Joy and Lynn
i miss Lynn so much that i have seriously cried over it.
i dont know what im gonna do if i cant talk to her soon
i miss Lynn so much that i have seriously cried over it.
i dont know what im gonna do if i cant talk to her soon
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
